Sex After Divorce - 4 Things That Will Affect Your Libido

You would think that the freedom after divorce would open the floodgates for your sexuality – wave after wave of booze, beds, and boinking.




99% of the time, it has the opposite effect. It kicks your libido right in the nuts then points at it and laughs.


As it was with my sex life.


You end up wanting to stay like this - all day, every day.


And before you read on … know that I offer no advice in this article – just a rundown of all the emotional culprits that could/will show up during this life-altering process.


(We’ll save the advice for another day.)


My marriage started off with something decent between the sheets, but after several years (and reasons I won’t get into) the other side of the bed grew pretty quiet.


And, after years of trying to unsuccessfully stoke the fires, even I stopped trying to keep my side lit.


Then, when my sex life was my own again …




And it frustrated the hell out of me – even now, I’m barely crawling out of the slump.


Why does this happen?





Even as “friendly” as my divorce was, it was still a life event that inevitably brought on a crap ton of anxiety. It was the process of separating two lives that had existed as one since university.


The bodily chemicals being dumped into my system on a daily basis left no room for a sex drive.


AND you’ll hear all the frigging advice in the WORLD about how to deal with it – eat better, exercise more, go out with trusted friends, get a dog, buy a new wardrobe, go on vacation, fuck around until your genitals fall off.


Everyone becomes a specialist … and you “have an issue” or “aren’t dealing with it properly” if you don’t follow their advice to the letter.


Come on.


Unless they’ve gone through something similar before (I’m the first of my friend group to go through this), they just don’t understand that all the spinning classes and organic vegan dishes in existence aren’t going to 100% combat the long, arduous journey.


Now imagine the stress if the divorce was a nasty one.





When you’ve lived as “so-and-so’s partner” for a while, part of you only knows yourself with that person. You can have as much personal space as you want, but you still end up naturally adapting or changing something about who you are, how you react, or what you do – the motivations being irrelevant.


And then, all of a sudden…


You’re just you.


But who am I?


Do you react to certain situations because it’s how YOU react? Or is it something you’ve grown accustomed to because you had to compromise in the relationship?


Do you really want to do this or that because you like it? Or are you just used to it because it was for your partner’s happiness (and they have equally done the same for you)?


Things like that.


Whether it’s healthy or not depends on you and your partner, but finding out who you are after all these years is NOT an easy thing to do.


The foods you eat, social events, friendships, personal schedule, it all changes


And this includes finding out you are as an independent, sexual being.


This kind of personal crisis and exploration is a huge thing to undertake.


It’s stressful (which brings us back to #1).


But it also takes us to #3…





You have sex with someone for years and it becomes a “certain” way. You do things with and to each other “this way” or “that way” because you know they like it.


But now, if you want to get into the game again, you’re left wondering if you even know how to have it with anyone else anymore.


You feel like a clumsy, awkward newbie – and it scares the shit out of you.


“Am I doing it right?”


“They don’t look like they’re enjoying it.”


“Oh, god, he/she is going to complain to his/her friends how bad I am.”


The list goes on and on.


You worry, you tense, and that just makes things worse.


And it doesn’t go away after just one partner or just a couple romps in someone else’s bedsheets.





More often than not, your confidence will go into the toilet. Society labels divorce as a failure (which is bullshit btw).


You might also run into these damaging little nuggets:


  • You could have done more
  • You gave up too quickly
  • You could have fought harder
  • You are at just as much fault as the other person
  • You don’t really know what a real marriage is
  • You are hurting people around you


I even had a friend who said she was “disappointed in me”.




Someone who knew next to nothing about my relationship in any kind of depth (let alone it’s trials and tribulations over YEARS) had the gall to talk to me like a parent whose kid got a D in school because they were slacking.


Far too often it’s our friends and families

that make us feel the shittiest. Right?


Granted, things are much better than they used to be. There are endless support groups, targeted therapy, and even divorce parties.


However, there are still archaic societal and religious notions about what marriage is (and what it means if things end) and you end up with an environment that isn’t as supportive as it should be.




Picking up the pieces of your dynamic personality and gaining self-confidence is a challenge in general but even harder post-divorce. This makes even something as simple as holding hands feel harder than it really is.


. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .


So, there you have it...


The big A-holes that are going to try to ruin your sex drive after divorce.


And, my lovelies, if any of you are going through this right now, you have my hugs and love.


I’ll also end on a positive note (albeit a said-to-death one)…


ALL of these obstacles possible to overcome.


It WILL get better.



Hangin there.


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